Treasure Seeker Tuesday will cover a few different points this week, readers. I hope they make you think about things that you are struggling with in your own lives.
Today I do not feel very well. I either ate something that did not agree with me, or I picked up a virus at the hospital yesterday. I had to go for the ophthalmologist appointment. As a person with type 2 diabetes, side effects can be devastating, if you don’t keep on top of the disease. They dilated my pupils, and then they froze the eyes. That last part was so that the ophthalmologist can put a lens directly into my eyes so that she can quickly determine whether or not the next step is necessary. So far, I have been lucky. I do not need the common treatment called Photocoagulation which is a form of laser treatment, at this time. I am working hard on keeping my sugars in control, and that is keeping the lasers away. For now. You can learn more about this treatment here.
I am a creative, which means that I do rely on my eyesight. I am going to be getting progressive lenses as soon as we save up enough to afford them. I really notice a difference lately, and the general eye test at the appointment yesterday confirmed that I need to make this a priority. If I lost my eyesight, it would be devastating to me. I don’t know how I would continue my jewellery business, without it. I don’t know how I would be able to work outside of the home, but I do know that I would want a seeing eye dog. I am sure that I could find a way to continue writing verbally, with a voice recognition software program. But it would be a hard thing to learn how to deal with. I hope I never have to look going blind right in the eye.
I have also found that I am struggling with my winter blues this year. I was watching a video last night in one of the groups I am in, for writers. It is a supportive group, and there are a lot of great people there. I enjoyed the video and commented. It was about courage as a writer. People don’t realize it, but a lot of authors are terrified of sharing their work with the general population. There is a fear of rejection, negative criticism, and failure that brews together and holds some people back. This video was addressing this topic, and Debbie Burns is one of those brave people that put things out there, and the emotions do show that she cares deeply about helping other authors get their stories out. I write quite freely here, on the Blog, but there are times I have hesitated before pushing that publish button. On Politics and World Peace #This was an example of this. I didn’t know where to put that open letter to the leaders of the world after I wrote it. I hesitated. I asked for advice and was told that the Blog was the right place for it. So I pressed publish, and off it went!
Another example of this was my first ever Trust Your Gut story. I took the leap. I shared my own weight and medical description of being morbidly obese for the first time. I had a difficult time going public about being a type 2 diabetic, and I thought long and hard about sharing that information here. One person in my life has never been told, and unless someone tells her, she will remain in the dark about it. That is my wish. She is my grandmother, and has since stopped using her computer, and has trouble remembering things now. I didn’t want her to feel bad about giving me desserts as a child. I don’t want her to worry about me. I am doing just fine, and managing it the best way that I know how.
In terms of what I got out of watching the courage video yesterday, the word I chose to create changes in my world with was to simply just start. No further explanation was given at that time. I know that I have a lot to do, and I know that I need to start working on the things that I need to do; so that I am going to be able to feel like I can spend the time doing what I want to do. It is a vicious cycle that I fall into every winter, and I need to start something to make changes and feel like I am making progress. I decided that I need to make the “List of all Lists” and write down all of the things that I need to get done. As long as I am working on those things, I can give myself permission to be creative. This way I am not limiting my needs to be creative, and it also helps me to work on one or several other tasks that need to be done. I will write that list when I am feeling better.
If you are an author and want to learn more about Debbie Burns and her facebook group, you can sign up for it here. I like being a member, and maybe I will see you on the inside.
#TreasureSeekerTuesday
This week in Trust Your Gut, I want to focus on the big picture for this category. I am morbidly obese, with type 2 diabetes, thyroid disease, and a few other less dramatic health issues. The ones that relate here the most are the ones that I write about. However, when I started writing in this category, I did have a bigger picture in mind.
Some people have participated in telling their stories here. It is a brave thing to do, to write down one of the biggest things that play such a large role in your day to day life. Your weight, your appearance, how you see yourself, and how you think the rest of the world sees you. I work on this material every week, and lately, I have been finding myself at a loss for what to write about.
My story is written to be real, and honest. It is relatable, and I know that it resonates with many of the people that read this Blog, maybe only for this story every week. I really appreciate each and every one of you that have become fans of this category, and the whole Blog, of course.
Don’t worry, I am not dumping it. I will still be writing every week. What I want to do is to reach out to more people. I have a one-sided view of the struggles I am having with my weight. One thing that women, and of course men and children have in common in this world is that we all have imperfections that we do not like about ourselves. It might be that you are struggling with a number, but not the one on the scale, the one on the tag of your clothing, the size. Another person may have issues with not seeing their true self in the mirror. Some people look at their reflection and see what used to be there, or see themselves as fat when in reality, they aren’t.
Karen Carpenter’s story is a well-known story about a real person who had everything to live for but died from anorexia and complications related to that disease. Bulimia is another issue that people have that is not something that I could imagine having to deal with, but I know that there are people out there that struggle just as hard as I do, with their own issues relating to their weight. I was watching This Is Us and this week they touched on another side character’s story. She has been written into the show as a person who is dealing with the perception that she is fat, overeating, and purging after she eats too much. That is a very basic description of bulimia.
Stories about people that have these other issues are not mine to tell. They are the stories of other people. They could be featured here in this category, as a side character story. I am hoping that this week someone reads this and thinks that they might be brave enough to share their story. I would love the opportunity to help you help yourself by telling the story, and maybe you can help someone else that is just like you. That is my ultimate goal here, with my story. I want to help people like me, with ideas of new things to try and to share what is working for me, and what is not.
If you are like me, struggling with the overweight end of the scale, I am open to stories from everyone that is brave enough to share them here. If you are not a writer, I can talk to you and work with you to develop a story here for you, or I can send some questions and we can write it like an interview, where you answer some or all of the questions, whatever you are comfortable sharing. Let’s face it, I do have a story to tell, but if it is always my story, at some point it will be repetitive and boring. That will make people lose interest, and that would not help people like I have intended to do here.
If you have contributed to this category in the past, and want to write an update, that is also something that I would be very happy to set up with you. I am always trying to help people, and learning about different people and their issues helps me just as much as reading my story can help you.
My gut is telling me that it is time to put out an invitation to new and different stories and points of view here, in this category. If you are reading this, and have a story to tell, please reach out to me in the comments below, or in a private e-mail (tishmacwebber@gmail.com with the subject: Trust Your Gut Submission). I sincerely want to hear from people that are struggling with their weight, on either end of the scale, so that together, we can help each other, and help people like us.
#TrustYourGut
I had a health scare this week. I was at work when my chest felt tight like I couldn’t breathe in a deep breath. I have been experiencing ringing in my ears and realized it is affecting my sleep. I had a lot of indigestion. I was worried. I have read that the symptoms for women that have heart attacks are not as easy to tell as they are with men. I have some of the risk factors, including my weight, and diabetes. So when I was trying to ascertain what was happening in my body, I thought maybe I should go get checked out.
When I got to the hospital, I spent a fair bit of time talking to the triage nurse. She asked a lot of questions, and someone else took my temperature and blood pressure. I had no fever, and although my blood pressure was high, I was quite admittedly, freaking out.
I am not the most active person in the world, but I enjoy Zumba, and sometimes, when I want to, I can run short distances. If I’ve gotta go bad enough, I will run to the washroom, for example. I can walk fast when crossing the street if there is a car waiting for me to cross it. I can push my speed limits, and I have the capability to do more than I actually do sometimes.
I do go to Zumba, as often as I can. Last night I missed class. I was at the hospital. I hated missing class, but by the time I left work early, I needed to follow through and make sure that I was going to be OK.
I didn’t have pain, but my chest was feeling really tight. It was hard to take in a deep breath. I had a lot of gas, and that was making it worse. I decided to take a walk outside to see if I could make myself feel better.
It didn’t help, and at that point, I was really starting to panic. I was upset. My supervisor and another supervisor talked to me for a few minutes, and I called Roy to come and get me. He was home, it happened to be his day off. I made him take me to the hospital. He waited with me, even though it drove him a little crazy to lose all of that time there.
Six hours later, they had run an ECG and taken bloodwork and cleared me from having any issues with my heart. I can still have faith that my heart is strong, and it wasn’t the issue yesterday. I didn’t get an official diagnosis, but I am fairly certain that it was an anxiety attack, also known as a panic attack. As it came with a new symptom this time, I didn’t want to take any chances.
After the doctor ran the bloodwork, he came back and asked me about another incident in 2013. I was confused and said I didn’t remember that, and he was confused because they had run a 24 hour test on me at that time. When we questioned him, he looked again. He explained a few minutes later that another paper was mixed in my papers, and everything was normal. Talk about a mix-up. Doctors are human too, and there had been two traumas arrive while I was waiting to be seen. As long as he corrected the mistake, and apologized, that was fine by me. It also meant I was not losing my mind.
Living my life as someone that is classified as morbidly obese does come with its own challenges. I can’t do everything I want to do sometimes. I have to pace myself and fight to catch my breath when I do push too hard. I have to learn to say no a little more often, and I don’t like that word, no. I need to take more time to rest so that I don’t have panic attacks. I need to work on me a little harder. I am trying, really hard on that one.
The doctor said that it was good for me to get checked out. I had actually seen him when I had the knee infection two years ago. I don’t think he remembered me, but I remembered his name. He did tell me that they don’t want people to be there for every little concern, of course, but that if I had a genuine concern about my heart, they would rather see me go get it checked then have me found after something bad happened, and it is too late. I felt a little silly waiting there all that time but relieved that all the tests came back normal.
Having panic attacks are becoming more common in my life, and I plan to talk to my new doctor about it next month. It may be why my ears are ringing so much. I really need that to calm down. Knowing that what I felt may just be another symptom of a panic attack, will help me do what I have done to deal with them so far. I usually calm myself down, but I have to know what is going on before I can do that. Yesterday had a curveball.
I was trying to figure out how to explain panic attacks to people that don’t get them. I am not an expert, nor do I know if what works for me would work for other people. I was thinking before I started writing, that for me it is like treading water. I love swimming, and treading water is a good skill to have. I can tread water for a good amount of time and I don’t mind doing that. However, it is harder to do if you are only using your legs. For me, if I am only using my legs, and then I lift my arms up over my head, I go under the water. So I metaphorically had my arms up over my head yesterday, and I had to stop and reassess.
I stayed home today to rest and recover from yesterday’s ordeal. I needed the downtime, and I hope it will help me cope better with work tomorrow, and next week. I postponed an event I am hosting here for a week later, to give me more time to be ready. I have been told in the past that I am too hard on myself. Maybe I am. But I don’t know any other way to be. So I am going to keep treading water and keep working on me. I am glad I did go to the hospital, if for no other reason than to know what was ruled out after the testing was done. Now I have to figure out a better way to deal with my stress and anxiety so I can carry on and do what I was meant to do with my time here. I don’t have any plans of giving up anytime soon.
#TrustYourGut
Trust Your Gut is a series of stories about real people with weight issues, and complications arising from those issues. It will explain what the person is facing, what their options are, what they have decided to do to take action, and why they chose the path they are on. Each person’s story will be based on truth, so it won’t all be happy, but it will be real. The goal of this series is to get people talking about options that are available for people who have weight issues, on either end of the scale. If you would like to contribute to this series, there is a contact form linked on my Homepage for this blog. I know there are people out there that want to help people like them; as I do.
The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name. If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story. The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors. I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.
This week I am pleased to share another of my own stories.
Here is Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 37
This week I have not stepped on the scale, or measured inches. I did go to Zumba Monday and missed it Wednesday because of circumstances beyond my control. I hope to start going twice a week again starting Monday. The day I made it I had 5,187 steps. That might be the highest step count I have ever had at a Zumba class.
I mentioned that last week I was on the scale at the doctor’s office. I was up. I didn’t want to face it. Bahahahahaha! My chocolate chin is where it all went. I swear. I wasn’t going to put a number on it, but as I am sure that I lost half of it already, I can face it now. 😉 I had gone back up to 312 lbs. I knew things were bad, and not as bad as the worst, but I was right. Making small changes to ease myself back into eating more on plan than off plan is working. I am sure the 12 lb chocolate chin is 6lbs or even less right now.
If I don’t laugh at it, I will curl up in a ball and cry as I eat the rest of the Halloween chocolate and chips. I am going to have my Thursday glass of wine with some Smartfood Gouda & Chive popcorn. Maybe more wine if I want to, but not necessarily. I need to get back on track one meal, snack and day at a time. I am happy today that I made BigMac salad for lunch yesterday. It was SO good. I am probably having it for lunch tomorrow. I made a pot of chili tonight. I am trying. That is better than not trying, and I can live with that. I couldn’t live with a 12 lb chocolate chin.
I think it is time to look at a new NSV. If you are new here, that is a non-scale victory. I admittedly love chocolate. Chocoholic, right here. I can make chocolate treats on the plan. But I am thinking about something bigger. Bolder. Goal achievement status.
I keep seeing commercials that catch my attention. Something I saw tonight made me think I need to get focused, and I think I found my next reward. I am not going to have to only go to twoville for this, I am going to need to be in onederland. That big.
More than one goal. As if I am just working for the big one, I am not going to make it. If I set the goal too high, I will fail. I know it. I can plan clothes shopping trips as I need them in the short term. I am also gearing up to start wearing more makeup. So those things can be small goal rewards. This may have to be the end of the journey prize! What on earth am I planning?
Well, I think it is time to set my sights on some other forms of chocolate. The inedible kinds. There are chocolate coloured dogs. I want a dog. We aren’t ready yet…sad, I know, but it is a major decision, and I want to be sure that I am 100% ready for the responsibility of taking that dog home. I now have an idea. How do I make it bigger?
BLING! I make beaded jewellery, and I am working on my website to launch it. I am not expecting it to be an instant source of income (although I wouldn’t have a problem with that), but I rarely make jewellery for myself. Bigger. Have you figured it out yet?
Diamonds, my friends. I am going to talk to my husband and set some realistic goals, and buy myself some diamonds. But not just any diamonds. For this plan to work, it has to be chocolate diamonds. I want Bling rewards!
I might be too far into the wine to be rational at this point, but I don’t think so. I am planning to up my game and work hard for something tangible. Something that won’t affect my blood sugars, and won’t cause me to be morbidly obese anymore. I have been saying that I am worth it, and it is high time I start planning to show it. So there you have it. I am setting the chocolate bar for myself, 😉 and you know what? I am looking forward to saving up for something really special.
#TrustYourGut
P.S. I am on time with this one!
Trust Your Gut is a series of stories about real people with weight issues, and complications arising from those issues. It will explain what the person is facing, what their options are, what they have decided to do to take action, and why they chose the path they are on. Each person’s story will be based on truth, so it won’t all be happy, but it will be real. The goal of this series is to get people talking about options that are available for people who have weight issues, on either end of the scale. If you would like to contribute to this series, there is a contact form linked on my Homepage for this blog. I know there are people out there that want to help people like them; as I do.
The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name. If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story. The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors. I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.
This week I am pleased to share another of my own stories.
Here is Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 30
I am happy to say that I am doing better. Not 100% organized or on the plan, but better. I did get in 2 Zumba classes last week. Due to things happening in my life that I have to deal with and work through, I was not at Zumba this week. The good news is that I will be going back. No worries there, I have to keep going. I need the outlet, and it is good to get the workouts fit into my week.
It is hard to climb and claw my way back out of a slump. Sometimes life has other plans. The good news is that I am cooking again. Cooking means less junk food. That is a great thing. The easy way out is not always better, in fact, it is usually the wrong way. I attack a lot of my own problems from the wrong side, not the easy way first. I just use my stubbornness to my advantage and push my way through whatever is going on.
I have said prep cooking and planning are key points for my success. I have said that I need to stop making excuses. I have actually made progress with both of those tasks. However, I am still not ready to commit to being on THM 100%. Why? There are two reasons. One is that it is a lot of work. I have to plan and cook. It would be great if my husband was following the plan with me, but he is not. There are just some things he refuses to eat. So that is one of my lingering excuses. The other is a fear of success. The success itself would be wonderful. But then
The other is fear. Fear of success. The success itself would be wonderful. But then what? After I find my way to being healthier, and the need for the push is over, then I would have other, new issues. I may need plastic surgery for excess skin. I may give in a little more until I find that I am putting the weight back on. I may lose my gumption halfway and fall off the wagon and revert to my old ways.
Let’s face it, I didn’t become morbidly obese overnight. I didn’t choose this path for myself. I choose what to eat and drink. I choose to not exercise and do things that I find more fun. I choose to listen to the monster that wants junk food instead of the beautiful inner spark that longs for freedom, and the power to defeat that monster. So what is it going to take?
I already know. I have to want it bad enough to do the work. I have to want it bad enough to plan it out. I have to want it enough to have to go shopping for a new wardrobe. Hmm…I may be on to something with that last one.
The biggest reason for anyone facing weight issues is themselves. You have to pick a path, follow it, and commit to seeing it through. Here is the kicker. At least for me, it is. You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you are worth the effort, and that you are going to stick to it, and that you are going to come out OK on the other side of changing your entire life. You simply have to do it, succeed at it, and change your life for the better. Shut that monster up with salad. Don’t forget to drown it with water, and feed the inner beauty healthy morsels of amazing food choices. Take her out for a walk. She needs to get fresh air and exercise to thrive. A little sunshine is always a nice treat.
She is worth the effort, and so are you.
Trust Your Gut.