Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 32

Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 32

by | Oct 6, 2017 | Trust Your Gut

 

Trust Your Gut is a series of stories about real people with weight issues, and complications arising from those issues.  It will explain what the person is facing, what their options are, what they have decided to do to take action, and why they chose the path they are on.  Each person’s story will be based on truth, so it won’t all be happy, but it will be real.  The goal of this series is to get people talking about options that are available for people who have weight issues, on either end of the scale.  If you would like to contribute to this series, there is a contact form linked on my Homepage for this blog.  I know there are people out there that want to help people like them; as I do.

 

The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name.  If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story.  The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors.  I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.

This week I am pleased to share another of my own stories.

Here is  Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 32

There is an elephant in the room.  For once, there is something bigger than me sitting in here.  On my shoulders, actually.  You can’t see it, but I know it is there.  I call it, “The Overwhelm Elephant.”  It is something that is referred to in terms of this big dark thing that just weighs you down and won’t let you accomplish things.  I have good days and bad days.  Let’s start with the bad ones.

There are days when nothing goes right.  I work, I fight I push and I don’t get anywhere.  Those days are not the days I am referring to.  The Overwhelm Elephant, as I am going to call it, stops all of it.  Even when I am capable of doing things, I just don’t.  I sit and I stew and I waste time and I get nothing accomplished.  The weight on my shoulders is not where it stops.

It puts pressure on my mind.  I used to get pinpoint headaches.  Just a little stabby pain for a minute or less, and then it would be gone. I now think maybe it was the elephant tusk poking at me.  The beginnings of what I feel at its worst.  The pinpoint headaches are not common anymore.  I have different headaches now.

Migraines are not fun.  I get auras, sometimes that is all that happens.  Those are called painless migraines.  When the tension and pressure climb up my shoulders to my neck and scalp, then I feel the start of a tension headache.  Sometimes it feels like spiders are running on spiderwebs all over my scalp.  Tingly, not necessarily painful.  Other times the elephant needs to hang on because it is going to be a rough one.  Those headaches are when the elephant’s trunk is tightening on the circumference of my scalp.  Those can last for days. When there is a throbbing pain involved, that is the worst kind of migraine.  Mine are atypical, and sometimes not as frequent as they used to be, which is a blessing.

The days when there is no reason at all to not be productive at all can be the worst.  It is a head game, with The Overwhelm Elephant.  She is reminding me of every little thing I have to do to be perfect at my health, my housekeeping, my job, and my life.  She doesn’t forget because she has the memory of an elephant.  It is hard to shake that feeling when it sets in.  I have written about it before, but not in reference to an elephant.  For me, it seems to be fitting.

Now for the good days.  I have days when I accomplish things.  I work hard, and I see results.  These are the kinds of days I wish I could have every day.  When I am prep cooking for my health, exercising to relieve stress, writing to pursue my passion, and getting things done while crossing them off my list.  I am a list driven person, and I need to cross things off the list to feel like I am making progress.  There are days I get a lot done, and there are days when I can’t even bring myself to write out the list.  When things seem like they are too big or too many to get finished, it sometimes stops me in my tracks.  On the good days, though, I can shout it from the rooftops, and I want everyone to know what I feel like on a good day.

When I was imagining The Overwhelm Elephant, I went searching for a picture of an elephant to put at the end of my story.  Imagine my surprise when I found one that reminded me of a distant childhood memory, of a road trip with my family.  We were visiting friends of the family, and they took me to an event without my sisters, one thing I got to do as the older sister that I still have a keepsake from.  They made me a ceramic piggy bank to take home, and it has a broken ear, now, but I still keep it with me.  It is sitting, not standing, and it has my name in amongst the polka dots.  Yes, it is a polka dot elephant piggy bank.  And it looks a lot like this:

Pink Polka Dot Elephant

I have had to embrace my emotions and feelings on my journey to becoming a healthier version of myself.  When I start feeling The Overwhelm Elephant taking over next time, I am going to go and pick up my polka dot piggy bank elephant and smile.  Because it will be smiling right back at me.

Trust Your Gut.

Weekend Warrior # 32

Weekend Warrior # 32

by | Oct 1, 2017 | Weekend Warrior

If you are following my blog, you will know what I was up to yesterday, already.  I will not go into the same story again, but it is still on my mind, of course.

Friday night had me decide to have a bottle of wine.  It was a red wine, and it was truly terrible.  I did not enjoy it at all, and will never buy it again.  I thought about pouring it down the drain, but being half Scottish, I drank it instead of wasting it.  The new wine glass (a 1 Litre Thundermug) fit the 750ml bottle nicely, and I sipped at it all evening.  There were a large number of descriptive flavours on the label, but none of them shone through.  It was muted abundance if that makes any sense.  Hmm.  If I ever make wine, that might be what I call it, but instead of being watery, and too many flavours, I will find a way to take a subtle flavour and enhance it.  Muted Abundance.  Well, at least I got something good out of the experience!

Roy had decided he was up for making tacos for supper.  I think I should warn you that horribly bad red wine does NOT pair well with tacos.  I doubt red wine ever pairs well with tacos.  Had I known where the evening would have ended, I might have chosen to drink some of Susan’s tequila instead.  Hindsight is 20/20. We then sat down to watch The Orville together.  Roy had no idea what I was putting on the TV, but we rather enjoyed it.  The obvious jokes were funny, and it was a show with a spaceship.  We will see if it keeps us laughing, that was the pilot show.  I had my bottle of G2 (Gatorade) chaser when I finished the wine and while I was eating my tacos.  I can say that I had no hangover (yay!) but must confess to a night of uncomfortable indigestion.

Saturday was written about yesterday.  However, after the event, we went out to supper with Andrew and some other friends.  We had a nice meal, and the conversation did steer around Star Trek Discovery and The Orville.  After that, we went to play pool at Dooly’s for an hour or two.  While we were there, a Beatles song came on.  I felt it was a message from Susan, as we were there with Andrew.  “Paperback Writer” played, and it made me feel like we had her blessing to be spending time together as friends.  It also told me that I need to get serious about writing if I am going to get my Fantasy Trilogy done.  I was a little sad that Susan wasn’t able to be with us, but also felt that in a way, she was.

Here I am on Sunday, writing from The Second Cup, in Fredericton New Brunswick, Canada.  I have to pass some time before going to buy fish food.  We are out, and the fishies like it when we feed them. (No, they didn’t go without, we just need more.)  As I am in the same part of town where the store is, it made sense to park in a cafe with my laptop, have my breakfast, and write.  I am so happy with this laptop.  I just had a brief discussion with the city mayor about the wi-fi signal here.  I am in the front corner, far away from the counter, and I suspected that if I was closer to the back of the cafe the signal would be stronger.  The Mayor confirmed this, as he is using his phone, and was moving through the cafe to find out if the signal changed.  It did.  For my purposes, it is a Sunday, and I decided that the location was more important than the speed of my internet connection.  With a little patience, I am able to do what I need to do.  It is a lesson in patience when the internet is slow, no matter where you are, or what you are working on.  Today, I have decided to pace myself and make the most of my day, as tomorrow is another Monday.

Once I finish my errands, I am going to go prep cook and bounce the house.  I plan to have a skype date with my cousin this evening and will be catching a live webinar this afternoon.  I am hoping to meet up with a friend today, actually, there may be two friends I need to see, now that I think about it.  So even though it is a day that I do not want to rush about to get things done, it will be packed full of many things that need to get done.

Her name was Susan. She was my friend. She won NaNoWriMo.

Her name was Susan. She was my friend. She won NaNoWriMo.

by | Sep 30, 2017 | Weekend Warrior

 

My friend Susan died last week.  She was very brave and fought against cancer for as long as she could.  I decided to write out what I would like to say at her Celebration of Life Event today.  I am going to share that here, for those who could not attend to read about my friendship with Susan, and her husband, Andrew.  She was 47 years old. Here is what I had written to say, from several little pieces of notepaper, scribbled at 3 am one morning earlier in the week.

I remember feeling sad when Susan told me that she had cancer.  We weren’t the closest of friends at that time, but that changed.  I had met Susan’s husband before I met her.  I joined a gaming group as I was new to Fredericton, and needed to meet people and make friends.

 

Susan and I met later on, and we had a lot of things in common, including creativity and cats.  Oh, how Susan loved all of the kitties!  She would save as many as she could, and picked the ones that nobody else would choose.  She had a cat with one eye, and a cat that has medical issues that require frequent vet trips.  That didn’t matter because Susan loved her cats, and they loved her right back.

 

I attended a dance lesson in their backyard, once.  It was a gathering of friends, and we all participated in learning a medieval dance.  It was fun, although I would not be able to do it again without lessons.  I returned the favour by bringing Susan to a Zumba class with me.  It was after she had been diagnosed, and she did what she could.  There were chairs for her to rest in when she was tired.  I remember that she had fun, and wanted to go again.  That didn’t happen, but it was nice to share the love of dancing with Susan.

 

You might be wondering why I chose to wear this brightly coloured poncho today. ( I was wearing the same one that is in my profile pic here.) When I started to knit it, I was lost, and rather confused.  Knowing that Susan was an avid knitter, I approached her for help with it.  She took the time to go over the pattern, and we decided that I needed a chart.  She helped me to make the chart, and because she helped me, I have a completed poncho that she helped me to knit.  Simple, yet effective.  The perfect solution for me and that is why I am wearing it today.

 

She liked to knit socks for people.  I remember being out to buy sock yarn with her, and she was asking if the colours went together well or not.  She confided that other people didn’t always like the colour choices she made for knitting socks.  She wasn’t so fussy when it was for her own socks, they were just socks.  She had been getting feedback on other socks that she had knit for people that the yarn didn’t always match well, so she wanted to check on the colours before buying yarn if she was making socks for gifts.

 

When she found out I wanted to work on knitting, she lent me her Stitch and Bitch knitting book.  I think I kept it a little too long.  When she asked for it back, I actually went out and bought my own copy.  I never told her that.

 

I have attempted to join in on the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) events.  For those that do not know what it is, it is a worldwide movement for authors to write a whole book in November, and it is an annual event.  I tried a few times, but have decided that it is not the format for me, and I am now a Nano Cheerleader.  Susan loved to host the events for Nano, and was very proud to show me her Nacho Hat platter that was used for the Nano events.  She was a great leader in the Nano world, and people looked forward to her launch and closing parties.  Unlike myself, she was a Nano winner.  She recently gave me a book she wrote, called “Freaks in Fredericton.”  I plan to read it when I feel ready, and I guess I will have to wait to discuss it with her in another place and time.

(I added a bit here about FredNoWriMo, the local branch, and that the theme is Superhero this year.)

When Susan was needing to be more cheerful, she would often turn to Youtube. Sometimes we would sit and watch cat videos.  Other times it would be music.  She introduced me to the guy that takes tweets from Twitter and turns them into songs.  Her favourite was the one with the ukulele and he is singing, “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows.”  That is the whole song.

She also introduced me to Post Modern Jukebox.  They take current songs and cover them in different styles from different eras.

 

(This was the end of page one, and the start of page two.  I had a harder time with page two.)

One thing I learned from both Susan and Andrew, her husband,  was that it was OK to talk to them about things that were happening in my life.  I didn’t want to bother them with my issues, they seemed to be insignificant when they were dealing with her diagnosis.  We came to an understanding that it was OK to talk about things and that we would all be real when we were visiting.  In a way, it might have helped them to have something less impactful to talk about, and as friends that talked about problems together, I think it helped them, just as much as it helped me to have a place that was safe to talk about anything.  It made me realize that because they realized that what mattered to me was important, that made me, their friend, important.  What a beautiful gift of friendship to share.

 

She often expressed a hate for cancer.  I agree with her on that.  One day, when she was having a particularly difficult time finding the right words to express her thought, she accurately said that she hated her brain.  I knew exactly what she meant, but I still don’t know how to correctly respond to that comment.

 

I wanted to be a good friend to Susan, even if I knew that it would tear me up inside after she was gone.  The last thing I said to her was, “See you later.”  I hate goodbyes.I hope to be a better friend because of my friendship with you.

It surprised me when people told me after that I did very well, and that I should be a public speaker, not a writer.  In the last few months, I have also been told I should be a comedian.  I try to be funny, but it doesn’t always work.  I blank out after speaking in public, so I don’t always know if it went well or not unless I ask someone after I am done.  I did read in Church when I was old enough, and they taught me the few basic skills I used today.  Pacing yourself, pausing to look at the people, and just making sure that you speak clearly into the microphone.  I did need a minute near the end, but I expected that.  I managed to do my best, and that is all I wanted to do.

It was not easy to do that today, even if it seemed like it may have been before page two.  I had to just focus on the task of reading what I had written.  Knowing another friend had given it a read before today helped, she said it was perfect.  What do you say when there are no words to express how you feel?  You think about the good times and write from the heart.  Sometimes there are no words.  I was blessed to have known her and to be able to tell her family just how important she was to me, as my friend.

Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 32

Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 31

by | Sep 29, 2017 | Trust Your Gut

 

Trust Your Gut is a series of stories about real people with weight issues, and complications arising from those issues.  It will explain what the person is facing, what their options are, what they have decided to do to take action, and why they chose the path they are on.  Each person’s story will be based on truth, so it won’t all be happy, but it will be real.  The goal of this series is to get people talking about options that are available for people who have weight issues, on either end of the scale.  If you would like to contribute to this series, there is a contact form linked on my Homepage for this blog.  I know there are people out there that want to help people like them; as I do.

 

The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name.  If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story.  The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors.  I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.

This week I am pleased to share another of my own stories.

Here is  Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 31

Another week has come and gone.  Thursday was yesterday.  I am a little sorry that I am writing late this week, but my heart wasn’t in it yesterday, and I want to keep it real and honest with you all. I have suffered a loss nine days ago that has affected me more than I expected in some ways, and just as much as I thought it would in others.  This loss was neither on a scale nor of inches.

There are two certainties in life.  You are born, and you die.  A dear friend of mine lost her battle with cancer nine days ago.  I plan to speak at her Celebration of Life Ceremony tomorrow.  While I was writing what I wanted to say and organizing my thoughts for that, I realized that it was more important for me to focus my attention on it when I decided to do it.  I got a friend to give it a read through in an editorial sense, but because I drafted and edited it myself, she thought that it was a great piece of writing.  So I am sorry if I let anyone down that is following my journey in this category, but all is not lost.  I am here today, and I feel like writing.  If the family is OK with me sharing my story after I read it tomorrow, you can expect to read a different kind of Weekend Warrior story later on this weekend.

So what brought me around, other than the guilt of missing my self-imposed deadline for the weekly story?  I was watching another video along the lines of Branding, and learning more about how to be effective at it.  Wait, what?  How does this relate to a struggle with weight issues?

The guest speaker was talking about taking what makes you mad, and writing about it.  Not an infuriating anger filled frustrated rant, but to use common sense thought processes and provide a solution.  This is the basis of what I want to do here.  I am mad that I am the way I am, physically, and health-wise.  I write about what I need to do, and I learn new recipes and ways to improve my health and change what I am using for fuel in my body to have a positive outcome.  I can write about it, I can think about it, I can talk about it, but the bottom line is, only I can care enough about myself to actually DO something about it.

I seem to be at opposing sides with my food choices.  I will eat a really healthy meal, and then go WAY off track and have junk food or fast food.  Willpower is certainly lacking in my life these days.  I am struggling with some old monsters.  They are ganging up on my inner light and causing me strife.

The feeling that I am never going to be good enough is a main contributing factor in why I weigh over 300 lbs.  I get it from many sources in my life.  My childhood was not bad, not at all, but sometimes the messages were not presented in a way to make me flourish.  I don’t believe people when they compliment me right away.  I need to hear things that are positive about a million times before I believe them, and then I get upset.  I just don’t know how to accept compliments.  I am working on this and getting better about thanking people when they say nice things.  For me, this is a real struggle.

Work is another area where this arises.  Workplace Bullying is wrong, no matter how subtle it is, or who the bully is.  I am not singling out my current employers, let’s be clear about that.  But when I see or experience it, it makes me feel like I am not good enough.  I struggle with that internally, and it is not always somebody else’s fault.  Sometimes I can be too sensitive.  I am learning to stand up for myself, and this is not easy for me to do, either.  As I learn, I have to make mistakes.  Picking battles is a trickier thing than you think it is.  If I was to cry out about every little thing that happened in my life, people would stop listening, stop reading, and stop caring.  Then I would be alone and back to doubting myself.

Sometimes the monsters are on the outside.   That is something that makes me angry.  People that abuse power are the worst kind of bullies, and I come from a long history of being a victim.  I struggle every day to be a good person.  It tears me up inside when that is perceived to be not good enough.  At this point, I can react in two different ways.  I can hide, and cry until I have no more tears.  Or I can speak out.  I am doing more talking, and it does not always go as well as I plan it in my head.  Some things are not OK, and some things need to be confronted.  When things backfire, I do hide for a bit, until I deal with my feelings of being hurt.  Sometimes I can be overzealous in my attempts to stand up for myself.  In these cases, I do get upset, but these days I stand to face the music, instead of turning tail and running.

Still not sure how I am planning to tie this all together?  Well, the ugly monsters inside are the worst ones of all.  The inner bully that kicks you when you are down and sucker punches you when you weren’t looking is pure evil.  We all have the negative self-talk, the hard feelings about one thing or another that we let win.  I have been doing a little too much of that this month.  I am letting the monster win, and that is not going to end well.  I have two choices.  I can do nothing, or I can do something about it.  I think it is time to take action and kick some monster butts.  I feel the inner glow getting a little brighter as I wrote that.  I needed to get it out.  So I am going to take my common sense and use it to change what makes me angry.  For this category, that means I am going to start making better choices and be the change I want to see in myself.  One thing at a time, one choice at a time, one story at a time.

Trust Your Gut.

 

 

Weekend Warrior # 32

Weekend Warrior #31

by | Sep 24, 2017 | Weekend Warrior

 

Hello everyone!  I am kicking back and putting my feet up in a hotel in Antigonish, Nova Scotia, Canada.  I have just finished a weekend of helping my friend out at a craft show, with her knitting and her daughter’s crocheting.  It is an annual show, called Windfall Fine Art & Handcraft Market. I have worked at other craft shows myself, and I have to tell you, this one was a little different.

The show is hosted at the St. F. X. Campus in Antigonish, in a section of the arena.  There is an admission fee for the customers, and that is donated to the local Charity that donates part of the proceeds to the local hospital.  The part that really stands out for me was that there was a place for vendors to go and take a break.  Not so big of a deal by itself, until you find out that there is a snack table with hot and cold drinks, biscuits and cheese, and sweets there for the vendors to take as they wish.  It is also run by donation, and all of the proceeds from this and the raffle go to the same charity.  There are donated gifts from the vendors that they sell tickets on, which is what the raffle is for.  I did not win a prize.

We left on Friday.  I took a 4 day weekend, and am using up 2 vacation days to be able to be here.  We booked a room in a local hotel.  I wasn’t sure about it, but it has been a pleasant stay. The hotel is under new management, so there are things that could be improved upon, but these things did not make the stay unbearable.  The bed was good, there are enough pillows and towels.  It is clean.  I have been comfortable here.

We got some groceries to have food during the weekend at the show and at the hotel.  I am getting ready to make some microwave popcorn to enjoy while watching the brand new Star Trek Series Discovery.  I am looking forward to the show.

We ate at a local favourite restaurant tonight.  It is called The Snow Queen.  I knew there was one near Mother Webb’s Restaurant, but I was not aware that there was one in the town of Antigonish.

I was impressed by the food.  I got the pan fried haddock in lemon butter, garlic mashed potatoes, and a small house salad.  I was in the mood for a treat, so I had a chocolate milkshake with it.  I really enjoyed it.  The piece of fish was large, the potatoes and salad were tasty, and the milkshake filled the glass twice.  I felt like I had a haddock Thanksgiving dinner.  It was very good.

One of the highlights for me was seeing a few relatives today.  They didn’t realize I was in town so it was a bit of a surprise for them.  I was happy to see them and to have a few minutes to catch up.  If I come back again next year we may plan more than a short visit. The

The other nice memory I have was of a little girl this afternoon.  She was about 3.  Her mother had picked up a mandala vest, and I told her that I was impressed that she knew what it was.  She did because she had previously bought one for her daughter, who had outgrown it and it was time to get her another one in a larger size.  She got her daughter to try some on and then was deciding on colours.  Her daughter was spinning and hugging it and just looked so thrilled to be getting a new vest. The whole event was simply adorable.

Well, it is time to pop the popcorn and enjoy the new series opening shows.  We are going to get to see episode 1 &2.   I did buy 2 bottles of wine today, to bring home.  It was a  fine way to finish the weekend.

What did you do this weekend?