Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 73 | Looking Myself In The Eyes

Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 73 | Looking Myself In The Eyes

I need to clarify that my recent success is not as good as it appeared to be last week. I knew something was off on the scale, and I tried to believe it was true. It happened at least once before. My scale had a false reading. One I happened to take a picture of, coincidentally, but I have not lost as much weight as I thought I did. Which is both more realistic in terms of healthy weight loss, and beyond frustrating, simultaneously. The last time I checked I weighed in at 313.1 pounds. Still better than July, but not as good as it looked last Friday.

In the second week of working with Coach Elaine, I have not been as diligent. I did what I always do when I have success. I listened to the inner gremlin, which I previously wrote about in Part 56 of the Trust Your Gut category. It convinced me that I didn’t have to be so strict with what I was eating. Old habits creep in when I am doing well, which is why I have such a hard time finding success.

Self-Sabotaging Only Hurts Me

To understand why this happens, I fear I might have to go really deep inside. This inner reflection will take time, more time than I have if I want to publish on time this week. I have begun the process, and I have seen the results. They are positive. So why do I slip up every time I get something good going for myself? This is something I feel a lot of people like me struggle with.

It’s like when you need to take medication all of the time, and when you do, you feel better, so you stop taking the medication. First, it is never advisable to stop taking medicine without medical supervision. Second, for most situations, this does not allow you to continue to feel better because the medicine is the reason you were feeling better in the first place. The medicine as a general rule does not make anyone sick, it makes you better. I do understand this is a general rule and does not apply to every circumstance. Consequently, when you stop doing things that make you feel better, you relapse or feel worse than you did before you started.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. ALWAYS check with your doctor before making any changes regarding your health. I also realize that side effects can sometimes seem worse than the disease. I am not advising anyone to make any decisions about their own health without discussing all of the options with their doctor, or without being your own advocate for your own health without including medical professionals in that discussion.

When I take this concept, which usually refers to the treatment of mental health, or taking antibiotics for less than the prescribed number of days, and compare it to people like me who are morbidly obese, there are similarities. I slipped and got back into old habits last week. More fast food came in. It is like I am testing my body to find out how much it can take before I start putting on weight again, to fail at this healthy lifestyle.

When I slip up, the inner gremlin laughs delightedly.

Maybe that is why I hear ringing in my ears constantly. I am kidding; although I do have tinnitus, and it is another irritation I am contending with. Will I turn down my music when I bounce the house? Not a chance. I love music, and the louder it is, the more I love it. Maybe it is so I can’t actually hear myself singing along. Whatever the reason, I will always crank the tunes when I am listening to them. My hearing is not suffering that I can tell, so I will keep on the way I always have.

What I do mean is that when I slip up and make poor choices, misery loves company, as the saying goes. One poor choice is not so bad, and then I make another one. Before I know it, I have picked the easy way more than the healthy way, and the inner gremlin is cheering me on! When it is in charge, I don’t make the right choices. When I don’t make the right choices, I am not being kind to myself. Which I learned last week, is something I need to learn how to do better. When you don’t know why you make poor choices, it is harder to convince yourself to make better ones.

And when you do choose to be kind to yourself, and you are kind to yourself, the inner gremlin is threatened. It starts acting up and throwing temper tantrums like wild cravings into your mind, and the next thing you know, you give in and go to the nearest drive-thru. Because it is easier to feed the cravings and the inner gremlin than it is to be kind to yourself and make the right choices.

How does this all fit in with what I am doing?

In Trust Your Gut Part 56, the one linked above, I wrote about looking at myself in the mirror. As my week 2 takeaway from the VIBE method created by Coach Elaine, I decided that I was going to practice looking at myself with love when I look into my own eyes in the mirror. I want to see me, not a morbidly obese person with type 2 diabetes, just me, a person who is worthy of love.

In the session, I talked about how I feel when my husband looks into my eyes. He has always looked at me as a person, and it was one of the first things I found attracting me to him early in our relationship. It stayed with me from then and still does, as something we have always been able to do, to be connected to each other by looking into each other’s eyes.

It has been such a profound feeling for me while being in a relationship with him, that I wrote about it in the song I wrote for our wedding. (Don’t worry, I didn’t sing it for him). When I think about how our relationship started, and how we have managed to be together for 25 years, 9 of them married, I know the love I see in his eyes when he looks at me funny holds the answer.

As long as I keep trying to do better, I am winning. Maybe not on the scale every single week, but certainly in my heart, where it counts the most.

This week I will do better.

Yes, it is Thanksgiving on Monday here, in Canada, so I am not going to have a perfect week. I will indulge, eat too much, and try not to regret too many food choices. The food will be homemade, not fast food, shared with family in combination with spending time together. I may not have pie with every meal, but I may have some in moderation. Followed by a short walk if the weather cooperates.

I challenge you to look into your own eyes with kindness and love, to start healing yourself in your heart and soul. Seriously, take a look in the mirror without judgement, criticism or hate. Leave the inner gremlin under your foot on the floor, where it belongs. It doesn’t love you. You do, and you need to let yourself know that you are beautiful from the inside out. When you do this often enough, it will not only become a good habit, but you will start to see changes. A phrase came to me in my sleep a few weeks ago, and I didn’t know what it meant. I think it belongs here.

Be Your Own Inside Out

Find the love in your heart and treasure it until it grows so big you can’t keep it inside anymore. Let it radiate and glow, to be seen by and shared with everyone you meet. I am seeing this in different areas of my own life, and because I know it to be true, I know it is something we all can do. I believe in you. Start with yourself.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

#TrustYourGut

Treasure Seeker Tuesday #23 It is Time to Tell a Story

Treasure Seeker Tuesday #23 It is Time to Tell a Story

In Treasure Seeker Tuesday this week, it is time to tell a story. Once upon a time, more than a few years ago, I was chasing another dream. A local craft store had decided to close. I talked to the owners, I made a business plan, I presented it to a committee, and it was rejected. It was rather deflating. The dreams were dashed, and I put it away. It is hard to put yourself out there for a dream to have it crushed. Really hard.

Inexperience was probably the biggest factor in the rejection. I did not know how to make a business plan. I didn’t have any money of my own to use as an investment. From that rejection, I then tried to create my own jewellery business, which I have yet to officially launch here, on the website. It used to be known as Tish’s Treasures, which was launched years ago at the local Farmer’s Market. I gave it a good try, for 2 years, but there were restrictions. There I was, a brand new entrepreneur, chasing my dreams of turning my hobby into a sustainable source of income; stuck following someone else’s rules. I was allowed to sell beaded ornaments and suncatchers, but not my jewellery. That venture was doomed before it even started.

Tish’s Treasures turned back into a hobby, one that made appearances with me as a vendor in different craft shows. I did sell a piece or two, here and there, but it never really took off. It wasn’t until this past January, when I pulled my product out of a local store, that I realized that the old business, under the old name, was holding me back.

I haven’t launched any of my product here yet, officially. I have shared my new business name, Tish MacWebber, Always Blinging…
I have yet to take pictures to post products for sale on this website. I have dreams and plans, but they are larger than life. My imagination knows no boundaries.

Writing books and being a jewellery designer is something that works in my mind. I don’t know if I am going to be able to make it work in the real world. As I started writing this, I realized what is holding me back. I’m terrified of failure. Literally terrified.

I have followed my dreams before. Not with as much conviction as I have had this time, but I have tried before. I do not like being told no, and I certainly do not like to be proven to be wrong. I can admit when I am wrong and apologize. But how do you apologize to your toughest critic, yourself?

I have grown a lot since I wrote my first business plan. One of my peers is encouraging me to use her template to write my own business plan. I have been avoiding it like the plague. You guessed right, I am scared to try.

Which sounds ridiculous when you think about it. I have spent very little money on my adventure this far, and I am not ready to give up. Not by a longshot. Despite this very thing, I am avoiding writing my books right now. I am scared of not being able to finish them. Yeah, I know, stopping is the fastest way to never finishing them. I have bailed on a lot of projects in my life. This dream is not going to be one of them.

You might think I have things all together on this side of the computer. Nope. I am not an organized planner at all, even though I have two 2018 agendas that match and are waiting to be used. I bought two sizes so that one could be portable if I needed it, and the other would be my main desk planner. One does help me to keep track of appointments and my husband’s work schedule. They are not being used to their full potential.

Neither am I. While I am Always Thinking…
I am not always doing. Therein lies one of my problems. I am not taking action. I am keeping up with the Blog, but it has been a lacklustre effort of late, and I am changing that right now. I am writing something meaningful again, not just writing for the sake of the commitment to the schedule I set up for myself.

I am at a crossroads while I write this. I have two choices. I can say to heck with it and walk away. That would be the easy option. It would lead me back to a life of putting up and shutting up. Taking whatever comes at me, and losing myself in circumstances. Woe is me, the universe is out to get me, and I am helpless to do anything about it. That really is what my life was like before I started putting myself out there and trying to find my purpose and passion. There is the teeniest, tiniest spark left inside of me. That flame needs to be fanned, and nurtured, and fed to grow. It is the part of me that makes me shake my head when I am writing about giving up. It is the part of me that fuels my passion, and I have to let it flourish. To let this spark go out is to let the creative dreamer inside of me die of boredom, frustration, and hopelessness. That is not something I am willing to do, no matter how scared I am of putting my work and myself out into the world again. A failure is only a true failure if you let it beat you. If you pick yourself up and shake the negativity off, to try something different, change your perspective and attack it from a different angle, you win at life. I want to win at life. I need to follow my dreams. I haven’t felt this good about one of my blog posts in a while, so I am taking that as a good sign, and that I am on my way out of whatever was dragging me down.

I have to share one more experience here, with you. It was from before I even tried to open a craft store on my own, and failed. I was in need of legal advice. I met with a lawyer. I told him about my issues, and he advised that it was not the kind of thing that he could help me with. We had a conversation, and he listened to me talking about this crazy idea I had to open my own craft store. I had a floor plan and had talked to people about flooring and storage and the interior design. I wasn’t ready to present the business plan at that point, but it was clear to the lawyer that it was something that lit a fire inside of me, he could sense that I was passionate about this idea. I had other friends at the time see the same thing, and they were excited for me and with me as I gave it my best shot. It didn’t work out.

The lawyer did two things that day that I will never forget. The first one was that he didn’t charge me a dime. How often do you ever hear people say that about a meeting with a lawyer? Not too many. The second thing was a little more insightful. He encouraged me to keep working on my dreams. He told me that he wasn’t sure that this was the right path for me at that time, but he was certain that I was going to be successful at something, he just didn’t know what, or when. Here I am trying something new, and pushing myself harder than I ever have before.

I might just surprise myself and do just what I set out to do this time. Write my books and design jewellery together, because that is how I want it to be. My passion, my dreams, and my rules.

This story may appear in part or in whole in my second book. I am calling it The Art Of Surprising Yourself, which I announced earlier on my social media platforms this week. This is just an example of something that you might find in my second book. What do you think?

#TreasureSeekerTuesday

 

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