Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 69 | I am ready.

Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 69 | I am ready.

Hi. It has been over a month since I last wrote anything at all in my blog. For those of you who have been patiently waiting for me to return, thank you. July has been a difficult month, along with being the good kind of busy. I am ready to start writing here again.

Yes, it is usually Thursday when I post, and it is in the wee minutes past midnight here; technically it is Friday. I have something to write about, and I don’t want to wait another week.

You see, the difficult part for me in July revolved around what I am calling the plague. Both Roy & I have been fighting it and we are finally starting to feel better. We aren’t at full health yet (gamer reference for the geeks out there), but we aren’t fighting brain fog from being sick anymore. The summer cold, sore throat, plague whatever we are fighting is a nasty bug.

While we were so sick, we realized that our water cooler had green stuff growing in it. Likely algae, possibly mold; needless to say, we stopped using it. I made an appointment with our doctor to verify if the antibiotics we were taking from a previous appointment were sufficient after this discovery. She advised that with no noticeable GI side effects, to stop drinking the contaminated water, we would be okay.

Even Jazzy, our new kitten was on medication in July.

Our going concern was hard to contain after she was spayed. Jazzy is a delight in our home but was so unaware of her surgery. She needed time to recover. The active kitten she is had ripped her stitches which caused her scar to become infected. So all three of us were sick and on antibiotics in July. It was indeed a difficult month.

Jazzy MacWebber, relaxing after she is completely healed and free to play like the kitten she is!

With all the illness in our home, it does not surprise me that I had good news on the scale. The up and down battle is finally going in the right direction again. When I had gone on vacation, I peaked at around 326 lbs. This week, I weighed in at 318.5 lbs. I am working hard to keep this going in the right direction this time. I am making some changes.

My journey is leading me down a path of self-discovery.

It is no secret that I have been working on myself for a while now. I am trying to improve my life in terms of my health, self-confidence, and building healthy habits as I do the work. One thing I am doing is taking part in a challenge recommended by some friends. While all of the material is not all new to me, I have made some discoveries about myself while doing the work.

I was bullied as a child, and at different times throughout my whole life. Since I am an emotional person, and I have written before about eating my feelings, I have already shared my thoughts about this subject. You don’t get to be morbidly obese because you have normal eating habits. Something is broken inside of people like me who are more than overweight. It could be related to another health issue, but chances are, if you eat your feelings, it is because you are not dealing with the real issue.

As I am working on my own backstory for the challenge, which is called The Unstoppable Influence Challenge, I watch videos, and do assignments related to what I am learning. I made several discoveries, one of which I am going to share here.

When I met Roy, my husband, I was damaged goods.

He has never seen me skinny. I have been overweight, and that has progressed to being morbidly obese in the 25 years we have been together. We will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary in under a month. I had put on weight after having mononucleosis and tonsillitis in my first year of university, and we met the following year.

After being so sick, I had to make sure I was eating, especially because of the sore throat, and I did. As a child, I would eat my meals quickly to be the first one done to get dessert. My sisters were picky eaters, I was not. Eating was something I became very good at, in a home where we strived for approval to be good all of the time. My parents raised us well, and we were good kids. My stubborn streak is something I come by honestly, and I wasn’t a perfect child, but we all turned out to be decent human beings.

I realized something else while I wrote my backstory.

When we started dating, I told Roy that I had a protective shell around my heart, and he was patient enough to wait for me to let him inside as we fell in love and learned to trust each other. I used that analogy at the time because my zodiac sign is Cancer the Crab. When I took a long look into my past this week, I learned something else about myself.

I eat all of my feelings, including negative feelings from things said to me and about me to hurt me. Using food to build a protective layer around my whole body. I eat the negative hurtful feelings to surround me to keep more of them from getting to me. My weight is a physical manifestation (this term is new to me, from the challenge) of the negativity that I have been holding inside for my whole life.

The person running the challenge, Natasha Hazlett, said her weight was a physical manifestation of the hate she had for herself. When I heard her say that, I almost believed that this was my issue too. What I realized, is that it isn’t hate I feel for myself, but that I keep the hate I have felt from others in my life. As a result, I have held onto it because I didn’t know what else to do with it.

What does this mean?

It means I have to let it go. All of it. When you are a child and people say terrible things to you, there is no way to know how to handle those words. I cried a lot during my school days, and thankfully, most of those negative experiences are in my past. As a child, I didn’t know how to handle the negativity. If I deal with it now, to let it go, consequently, I will let the feelings go. The negativity I buried in me, from the inside out to be released with my excess weight.

As I am typing this out, I am shaking. It is hard for me to acknowledge this to myself, let alone the world at large. Since my word of the year is FEARLESS, and I want to lead by example, with integrity, it would not do me any good to keep this knowledge deep inside of me anymore.

I have a lot of work to do to lose the weight I need to lose. With this blog post, I am on the right path, finally, to be able to make the changes I need to make to become a healthier version of myself.

The biggest lesson I have been able to take away from this exercise is going to set me free.

I realized I don’t hate myself and that I never did. I love myself, and I always have. Now that I am an adult, and doing so much work on myself, it is a relief to me that my problem has never been how I feel about myself, but my reaction to how others wanted to hurt me. As a child, I did the only thing I knew how to do to protect myself. As an adult, I can face those negative feelings and chase them away.

In the challenge, we learn that we all carry metaphorical bricks in life, and they weigh us down. We learn how to deal with them, and of course, I put my own spin on this. Instead of following the imagery suggested, I have decided that I am going to grind every one of the bricks to dust, turn them to glitter, and let the ocean take them away. Sparkles in the sea, which are beautiful to me. What a way to release the things that weigh me down. Sending them to my happy place.

Love yourself enough to let yourself be free.

#TrustYourGut

#Tishspiration Tuesday

#Tishspiration Tuesday

#Tishspiration is more than just a book for me

First of all, yes, I am writing a book called #Tishspiration: The Art of Surprising Yourself. It will be an inspirational book. You might think it is a book about my mid-life crisis if you only looked at the surface, but I know better. In contrast, it is a book about self-discovery, and how it has been happening my whole life, without me knowing what to call it. The last few years have been building me to this step, hence the mid-life crisis comment. I am preparing for one of the most important parts.

I recently participated in some free online challenges. From pushing myself in this way, I grow, and then I share my progress when I am challenged to. I have gone to the edge of signing up for a program and stopped. I am not ready. The coaches have challenged me to get ready for next year. They want to work with me, as I have kept coming back. I realized I am not ready because I have not finished exploring what #Tishspiration is. As much as I need the guidance on what to do next, I need to find out what this concept means, and what direction it wants me to go in first. This is not an excuse. It is me doing what I do. Making sure things are indeed as ready as they can be before moving on to the next step is the reason why I am holding off.

It’s not just about the money.

Sure, money is a huge factor in a decision like this. There is a lot more to the story. I am the type of person who has a good sense of when I am ready to take the next step, and most importantly when something is finished. I see it a lot in my day to day life. For example, making decisions on what to write, when to write, and finally, when to stop writing. Every story has an end. They also have a beginning, and if written correctly, an interesting middle which you can’t walk away from.

I am at the beginning of this part of my journey. The book is the interesting part which will reveal what is going to come next. That is my plan, although I could surprise myself with what does come next. It is something I have been known to do, take a step back and just revel in what I just created. It can be in the beginning, middle or end, and there is no set pattern for when I can experience it. The nature of this concept is that it can apply to everyone. I need to share it. The world needs my message. When I figure out exactly what it is.

In my own mind, I have already made it.

You already know I am working hard, waiting for the rest of you to catch up with me. I don’t write this to be conceited, or narcissistic. I am also working hard to remain humble. There will be bad days, and failures. They are inevitable. How I choose to move forward when these things happen is what is going to help me get to the next level.

I wrote a book. Me. I decided to just stop making excuses and get it done. It was hard work. It was incredibly frustrating at times. But that moment, the moment when I opened the proof copy online in front of the people watching my Facebook Live video, it was real.

It was real, unrehearsed and beautiful. I had to bail when my emotions were threatening to make me ugly cry on the internet. Nobody needs to see that. It was me, feeling all the feels, and experiencing what it was really like to have written an actual book. There are no words to truly capture what it feels like. To pour your heart and soul into what you can finally hold in your hands. The closest I can come is purely magical.

I can never have that moment again. Not from my first book. I long to feel it in relation to my current book. It will happen, and when it does, I expect a new magical moment to accompany it.

Everyone is a Critic

People are going to scoff at your dreams. They don’t know how long they have lived inside of you, or how brave you are to chase them. They wouldn’t know if they never tried. Negativity is not random, at least not in my experience. It exists, and plagues us all, in our lives. Jealousy is something that drives people to be mean. Don’t let the negative outweigh the positive. Fight to find your purpose, your passion and your pleasure. Stand firm in what you decide is right for you. Then show them how it is done.

Keep on dreaming, while taking action

A dreamer is a wonderful thing to be. I am a dreamer who comes up with the thoughts which propel me into action. I have thought up some wild plans in my life. They don’t all work. The point is to not let yourself get stuck in the thinking part. Thinking and planning are important, but executing the plan is imperative. If I was still thinking about writing my first book, I would never have completed it. Never had that magical moment when I held it in my hands. As a result of inaction, I would be in a horrible frame of mind, thinking that I was stuck in life the way it used to be, with no way to make it better.

In conclusion, what I am trying to explain here is that it is okay to dream and it is okay to think about different possibilities for yourself. However, it is imperative to take action. On what you decide is right for you. Not for everyone else, but for you. See what I mean about this #Tishspiration thing? It needs to be explored. I can’t wait to share what I find out with you all.

Why are you hesitating? What are you dreaming up to be your life’s purpose, passion and pleasure? Please let me know, I would love to help you figure out your next step. I can only do that if you tell me what is on your mind. I do love helping people, and maybe I can help you!

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