The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name. If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story. The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors. I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.
This week I am pleased to share another of my own stories.
Here is Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 24
Life is funny. Today when I got up I expected good news here on my blog, as I had published an introduction and my second guest blog post on another blogger’s site. I was not wrong. The day turned dark on me this afternoon, and I came home and posted on social media that I was having a hard time. Friends asked if they could help. One person sent a friend request. That person I had never chatted with before helped me turn my night around. I am not saying that I am not still having the feelings I had earlier, but just having a cry wasn’t enough, either. I had to do something different.
I have been using this blog to help myself and to try to help others. Whether it is to share a laugh, or tips, or explore my inner thoughts and demons, I have a purpose here. It has grown since its beginnings under a different name until I was challenged to rethink things and make it better. I like to write, that is obvious, and I have rediscovered my passion for writing since I started this adventure last November. I am working hard at it, to set and keep deadlines, and practice my writing skills. I am proud of what I have done so far.
I am working on myself too. On a day like today, there were too many emotions to keep under the cork. The cork popped, and my tears flowed. I was sitting here unashamedly crying my beautiful blue eyes out, trying to understand why I wasn’t good enough for something else I wanted to do. I am working on a lot of me and there is a lot of me to work on. I am trying to find my gumption every day, not every other week. I am trying to maintain the cleaning I have done thus far in my home, and improve on it. I am doing well with the Blog writing, but not so well in the book writing. I am busy socially, both online and in real life. I am going to Zumba when I can. I do some prep cooking, but admittedly not enough. As I am often told, sometimes I am too hard on myself. The truth is, and I think I have shared this before, I don’t know how to be any other way.
I have issues with self-esteem. I often feel like I am good, but not good enough. This is part of what happened to me today. When I am rejected, it is like I am taking a kick in the teeth. I try not to let things show all the time, but there are days like today that I am frustrated, and my only way to get it out is through my tears. I try really hard to not speak out impulsively in anger. I lost that one today, on both fronts. I really feel like I am being treated unfairly, with a few different things that are happening in my life. All of these things added up, and in time, they have to be let out. Some people yell. Some people become quiet. Some people hide. People like me, well we cry and eat. Trying to fill the hole caused by whatever triggered the feelings. I am trying to change that.
The new friend I made today said to write a gratitude list. Write down five things that I have gratitude about in my life. In a private message, she also invited me to write down 3 things that are causing me to have my issues I posted about. I did. I shared what was going on with a few close friends. My new friend agreed with me that I had a reason to be upset. I didn’t need the validation, but there it was. Without telling this person everything that was setting me off today, they still saw that there is a lot going on for one person to deal with. Keeping those three things inside was a part of what made it so hard for me to cope today.
I need to make some changes. I can’t fix every problem that I am facing right now, but I am trying to work on the ones I can. Tomorrow is a new day. I will try to face it with my best foot forward, but right now, I am feeling a little nervous about that. People that know me know that I am not good at hiding how I feel. It’s going to be a bad day tomorrow because what happened today was bad news for me, and it will be good news for some other people tomorrow. That is going to be hard to swallow. Considering I would rather avoid it all and just make poor choices for what to eat and drink avoid real life tomorrow. I am going to end with my gratitude list. It didn’t fix my problems, but at least it got me thinking about something else. For a little while.
1. Discovering my passion for writing and realizing it is what I am meant to do.
2.My husband is my rock and my hero.
3. The joy I get from working on my blog and watching it grow.
5. Friends and family.
6. My blue eyes.
7. My sense of humour.
After I calmed down a bit, my final entry to the list for the day was:
8. I still have my teeth. Nobody actually managed to kick any out yet.
My new friend was right. It’s all about perspective.