Here is Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 82 | Reflections
A lot has happened since I last wrote a blog in this category (or any category, for that matter). The scale has even crept a little higher than what you see in the cover photo. That terrifies me so much I have stopped stepping onto the scale. I know it can be an obsession if I get on it too frequently, but also dangerous for me to be oblivious about what my weight is. I watch shows like my 600 LB Life and The 1000 LB Sisters. I don’t watch because I want to be like them or to be on one of the shows. I watch to remind myself what is going to happen if I continue to make bad choices.
It is early January 2022. My husband and I went on a road trip, the first one since July of 2019. We traveled to Nova Scotia to stay with his mother for the week. It was a nice visit. My mother-in-law knows I love lobster, and she made sure there was plenty for me to have as a treat during our visit. I ate my fill, and then some. After all, it was the holiday season, and with the world the way it is, we didn’t have plans to paint the town red during our visit.
We did go out one evening to see the Christmas lights. There were some really great decorated houses to see, and it was a nice break from having to stay the blazes home. (Hey, I was IN Nova Scotia, where this song came from…)
While I was away, I had a lot of time to think.
Too much, if you ask me. I got inside my head a bit, and when that happens, it is not always a good thing. When I am being creative, it can be wonderful, but when I am just left alone with my thoughts, they aren’t always nice to me.
One change my mother-in-law has made in her home since inheriting it is the layout on the ground floor and adding an ensuite bathroom. Before, when we visited the home she grew up in, there was a bathtub but no shower. I am not a bath person. I might take one from time to time, but I love a good, long, hot shower. At home, I often run out of hot water before I am finished, and it is something that irritates me a lot. I do think in there, and that does happen when the water is running. So believe me when I tell you, the showers I took while I was away were glorious! Not only were they in a brand new bathroom, but the shower had a light in the ceiling, the shower head was detachable and held in place with a magnet, and I had plenty of hot water. I did not feel rushed, which I often do at home.
She also has a lovely oval mirror hanging on the back of the bathroom door. It is wider than the ones you find on sale in September for the college crowd. It has a lovely wooden frame, possibly oak. and it is hung at the perfect height on the bask of the bathroom door in the ensuite. With no real schedule to follow for a week, I was able to take my time in the shower, and in getting ready, so everything I needed was easy to find when I got out.
I found myself admiring the mirror.
Of course, when I had undressed to get into the shower, I looked at my reflection. Something I do not stop to do very often. What I saw was a person who carries her extra weight on the front of her body, for the most part. From the thighs to my chin, the excess weight on my body hangs on the front half. Sure, there is room for improvement all the way around, but the majority of my weight issue is all in front of me. And it was obvious to see as I looked at my reflection. I just don’t know when the last time I stopped long enough to take a good look at the side view of myself was. Or to be honest, if I ever really did before.
I did not look with any thoughts in my mind. I was not bashing myself for what I saw. I just took a real good look and was objective about it. This is where the weight is, and these are the areas that need the most work. It didn’t affect me emotionally to do this. Which is both good and bad. Let me explain.
Obviously, if it made me feel bad about my self image, it would have been devastating to see my reflection. It is a good thing to be in a place of reality when it comes to my weight. I understand that I have a lot of extra weight and that the only way that changes is if I change. Which is good. But being okay with what I saw isn’t the healthiest outcome, either. I am accepting myself at face value, and not in a desperate panic to change how I look, either. It won’t change overnight, but there needs to be some feeling there to make me want to change, and I am not sure the feeling was in me.
This is what I look like.
Sometimes you need to give yourself a reality check and a wake-up call to understand what others see when they look at you. When you come from a place of kindness to yourself, it makes a world of difference. It means I didn’t spiral out of control with food, and I allowed myself to have treats, just enough to be something small, but not overindulgent. There are no selfies accompanying this blog, as I saw what I saw, and I have moved forward with the start of a plan for 2022.
I am making the effort to prep cook and meal plan this year. I am also going to live up to my word for 2022, and dance every day in 2022. As a result of this, I will be more active, and I will be able to leave the dead weight of 2021 behind me. Now that is something I can commit to.
What are you doing in 2022 to move forward in a more healthy way? #trustyourgut
When I wrote my very first Trust Your Gut, on February 2, 2017, it started with an intro like this:
Trust Your Gut is a series of stories about real people with weight issues, and complications arising from those issues. It will explain what the person is facing, what their options are, what they have decided to do to take action, and why they chose the path they are on. Each person’s story will be based on truth, so it won’t all be happy, but it will be real. The goal of this series is to get people talking about options that are available for people that have weight issues, on either end of the scale. If you would like to contribute to this series, there is a contact form linked on my Home page for this blog. I know there are people out there that want to help people like them, as I do.
The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name. If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story. The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors. I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.
Since then, I have written numerous entries into this category. Most of them have been about my own story and struggles. There have been a few guest entries, and I am still open to more in the future.
Somewhere along the way, I lost the urge to blog. I took a break, When it became a long break, I just focused on other parts of my life for a while. Then I moved my website. While I am finally getting back to work with my blogs, I wanted to revisit the original post that started them all, and drop that link above for anyone who wants to check out the very first one. I encourage you to read them all, of course, but I think a reflection on where I started to where I am now is a nice place to start.
In May, 2020, I experienced something that I have not had to deal with personally in a long time.
I was the target of a Backyard Bully.
It was a nice sunny day, and I was not yet working at my part-time day job. It was a Saturday, and I was wearing a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. I had no plans to go anywhere when I picked out my outfit, that day.
I remember Roy, my husband, saying he wanted to go run an errand. I decided I would like to go with him, but thought I should change. He assured me that I looked fine, and that we should just go as we were. So we ran the errand.
When we got home, I decided it would be nice to go out into our yard to take pictures of the different little flowers that had delighted me when they grew in the spring. They are wildflowers. Some are commonly referred to as weeds, but after being cooped up all winter, and trying to find things to do while being home, it seemed like a reasonable option to me. So, I got my camera, and out I went into the yard. It was so sunny and warm that I didn’t even need a jacket.
I started in the front yard. I found a patch of forget me nots, and some dandelions.
As I played with my camera, and wandered to the backyard, I noticed bags of garbage beside my neighbour’s shed. I don’t go out into the backyard very often, and I thought to myself that I hoped it didn’t always look like that. I shrugged my shoulders and found more flowers with my camera lens.
As I focused through the lens of my camera, I heard my neighbours in their shed. I was relieved to realize that they were doing spring cleaning in their own yard, and glad there was a reason for the garbage bags behind me. As I continued walking through my yard, taking pictures of the little flowers, I heard my neighbour make this comment to his wife, “Will you look at that.”
I didn’t hear her reply, and for a moment, I just thought he was commenting about the neighbour wandering around in her own backyard with a big fancy camera, taking pictures of weeds. Then, it dawned on me what he was really commenting about.
I was wearing my leggings and t-shirt out in public. It wasn’t a longer t-shirt, but it matched my leggings nicely.
He was referring to his own disgust at seeing a woman weighing over three hundred pounds in leggings and a t-shirt.
It took a few moments for me to regain my composure. I had my back to them. I took a deep breath, and took one last photo.
I felt about as small as that flower in the picture, the one all by itself.
The words of the backyard bully stung an old wound, one I have fought against ever since I encountered bullies for the first time as a child.
I may not have lost a lot of weight since I have started writing in this blog category, but I have spent a lot of time working on me.
Previously, I would have let those words into my heart, to pierce it like so many mean things people have said to and about me before. Just as I had let my self talk reveal the ugly nature of the backyard bully’s words in my mind, I had to talk myself out of letting them have power over me.
I told my husband and some friends what had happened. I was angry, but I was not sobbing quietly to myself from the sting of the words. I was angry.
Had those words been about someone else that I was with, the person I am now would have stood up for the other person. In those few minutes while I finished taking pictures, I talked myself out of running away to cry. I finished what I was doing, then walked to the front of my house and went back inside.
The joy of my afternoon was lost.
I still have the pictures, and shared them on my social media, without the ugliness of the hurtful words. I can still smile when I see them, but I also remember what tainted a beautiful afternoon.
One friend said that people who are that mean need extra kindness in their lives.
I still disagree. I see no need to reward a jackass for being an asshole.
Which is how I feel about what happened.
As difficult as it was for me to remain calm and quiet while I finished taking the pictures that afternoon, I realized in the midst of dealing with it that I was not reacting like I used to. My self talk had averted what would have previously been a meltdown.
I decided that I would not give the backyard bully the satisfaction of making me feel miserable about my body image. It is not the body of an athlete, but it is a body that uses layers of fat as a cushion against the harshness of the world around it. Becoming angry or upset and lashing out would not have ended well. I know that from my other experiences with bullies. Being quiet and walking away was difficult. But I did it, and I can be proud of how I handled myself and my feelings in that situation.
I have grown up.
Bullies still exist, and sadly, they probably always will. How I react to them is not in their control, not anymore. It is me who decides how to react to bullies. Although the occurrences are less in my adult life, they still happen. The difference is that I am in control of how I react to the situation and that I can choose to not hold the words in my heart where they will do the worst damage. I do not forget, but I do not let the words of bullies have power over me anymore.
A new year is approaching and I look forward to it with hope, as I have every year. I am also working on making better choices again. I decided to start now, instead of waiting for the new year to start fresh. By implementing small changes now, I will develop better habits to be already established by the time the new year begins. It seems different, this time, and I truly hope that I can see the results of my hard work as I create a new habit on a weekly basis to add up to a healthier version of me.
Issues with weight. It has its ups and downs. On the scale, in the grocery store, with activity…I could go on for days with how many things can affect my issues with weight. I am not alone. So many people have issues with their body image, and if it is something everyone experiences, then we need to take a step back.
Reflection on our body image can be a harsh experience, if we let it. I remember when I was writing about gremlins, a while back, who were whispering so softly I didn’t even realize they were inside my head. One thing we can do to help ourselves is to change the message we are hearing from within. I did not come up with this concept, but I am giving it a whirl.
I have been working so hard on myself and this includes my health. It is tedious to be focusing on it all the time. It could be something to obsess about if I let it. I am not the best at the daily record keeping for this. Why?
I struggle with prioritizing me on my list
What? I have been working on this issue for what seems like the whole time I have been writing in this category. If I was doing this on a regular basis, things would be better. I know it. You know it. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking that I deserve to be on my list. Oh, I have this, and that, and so many things to do that I should do which are more important than filling out the daily checklists which I have taken the time to write down. Am I filling out the paper for time management were given to me to track my time? NO! I am important enough to fit my health and my time into my list. Why can’t I just grasp this concept? It is a struggle, like the title says, with its ups and downs.
Yes. I am writing that I did take the time to make my checklist, and I do have paperwork for accountability to bring to all of my appointments. This is my attempt to get the ball rolling again. For the billionth time. Maybe this time it will work. It has to.
The pressure of letting down the professionals I am working with is not enough incentive. It used to be. When I decided to work on me while I have the time, I was doing the work. I stopped. As a result, I am trying to get back to creating healthy habits. Some days, it is so hard.
I was relying on others to make me do the work
Of course it was easier to get me to do things if other people were counting on me. If others need my help, I am the first one to volunteer. I need to focus on more than just time management. I need to get to the bottom of my issues. What does that mean, really?
It means I have to do the work.
As we all roll our eyes at this, me while I write it, and you when you read it, it is the truth. It isn’t rocket science. Hard work is not easy, and if you fall out of line, it isn’t so easy to get back on track. If doing the work was easy, it wouldn’t be something a lot of people struggle with.
I am in a lot of groups on social media. Most of them are not run by me, but one is. It is a support group, of 8 people with weight issues. I do find it is helpful for me to have a safe place to encourage others and myself. It helps me to try harder and to do better. The members help me to change it for the better, which is incredibly helpful. Their input is crucial in keeping it active. I am scheduling the posts a week at a time, so I don’t fall behind. I still interact with the group in the prompts, and for now, I am happy with it.
We do work on meal planning, tips, weigh ins once a week, non scale victories, feedback, spa day, and activity. One topic per day, although sometimes I miss a day here or there. I have added in recipe shares when I find new recipes, or some I have tried already and love.
I do think I can keep improving it, but for now, it works for our needs. Part of the work I need to do is to manage my time more effectively, to become more productive. This will allow me to do more of the things I need to do in more areas of my life.
Finally, I want to ask you about how you think of yourself.
Self-reflection is a difficult thing to do. Start with your positive features, and increase from there to how awesome you are. Especially if you read this blog! 😉 I happen to think my best feature is my blue eyes. Instead of commenting with what you do not like, please leave a comment below about your best features. Let’s share our ups this week, and forget about the scale.